Band Jokes
by King of Saturn
Summary: These were given to me by a friend. Equal opportunity bashing. Please enjoy responsibly
1. Chapter 1

WOODWINDS 

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a piccolo's neck?  
A: A Doberman.

Q: How many piccolos does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: One. She stands on her throne, holds the bulb to the socket, and the world revolves around her.

Q: What do you say to three piccolos up to their necks in concrete?  
A: "Damn, not enough concrete."

- Q: What's the first thing a flute player does in the morning?  
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: What do you call a good flute section?  
A: A myth.

Q: What is the difference between a flute section and a vacuum?  
A: You have to plug one in before it sucks.

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?  
A: Shoot one.

Q: How do you get two oboes to play in tune?  
A: Shoot them both.

Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?  
A: It burns longer.

Q: What is an oboe good for?  
A: You've gotta light that bassoon somehow!

Q: What do you call 10,000 oboes at the bottom of the ocean?  
A: A good start.

Q: Why don't double reed instruments play hide-and-seek?  
A: No one will look for them.

Q: How do you get an oboist out of a tree?  
A: Cut the noose.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?  
A: To get away from the oboe recital.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and an onion?  
A: No one cries when you chop up a bassoon.

- Q: How do you tune an English horn?  
A: Nobody knows.

Q: How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: One, but he'll go through 20 before he finds the "perfect one".

Q: How do you know there's a clarinetist at your door?  
A: They don't know which key to use.

Q: What do you call a line set by clarinets?  
A: A circle.

Q: Why do alto clarinets keep their case in the passenger seat?  
A: So they can park in the handicapped section.

Q: Why did Adolph Sax invented the saxophone?  
A: He hated mankind but couldn't invent an atomic bomb.

Q: Why do alto saxes hit so many wrong notes?  
A: They believe the key signature is just a suggestion.

Q: How many alto saxes does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
A: It doesn't matter, they will all just complain about how it's "too high" for them.

Q: What's the difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead tenor sax in the road?  
A: The squirrel might have been on his way to its job.

Q: What's the difference between a bari sax and a chain saw?  
A: The chain saw will eventually run out of gas.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?  
A: Extremely gifted.

Q: What do you call the same bass clarinetist after a lobotomy?  
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

Flute players spend half the time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

A woman goes on an exotic trip for vacation. As the boat nears the island, she begins hearing drums. When she gets off the boat, the woman asks a native how long the drumming will go on. The native responds, "Very bad when drumming stop."  
The next day comes and the drumming is still going on. The woman asks another native when it will stop. Again, the native says, "Very bad when drumming stop."  
"Why?!" she asks.  
"Piccolo solo start."

Which of the following is the best place to practice for a tenor sax to practice?  
A. Saddam Hussein's bedroom.  
B. The bottom of the ocean.  
C. A deserted coal mine.  
D. None of the above.  
The correct answer is D. A tenor sax never, ever practices. The risk of learning to play his instrument is too great.

A man walks into a meat store looking for brains for dinner. He sees a sign that says:  
Clarinet Brains - $1/lb  
Trumpet Brains - $5/lb  
Percussionist Brains - $50/lb  
Tenor Saxophone Brains - $100/lb  
The man asks why tenor saxophone brains are so expensive. The butcher replies, "Do you have any idea how many tenors you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

A bari sax player came home and found his house burned to the ground. The bari asked one of the police officers on the scene what happened. The officer said, "It seems the director came and burned down your house."  
The bari's eyes lit up, and he gleefully asked, "You mean that the director came to my house?"

A priest and an English horn player are standing outside the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at them both and thinks for a minute, then lets the English horn player in. The priest is appalled.  
"How can he get in when I can't?" he asks.  
St. Peter shrugs and says, "Well, when you preached, everyone fell asleep. But when he played, everyone prayed. And when he was finished, everyone thanked God."

BRASS 

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Five. One to actually change it, and four to talk about how much better they could have done it. (Better stonger higher faster)

Q: How do you keep a trumpet from drowning?  
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a government bond?  
A: The bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Q: How do you know a trumpet player is at your door?  
A: The doorbell screeches.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trumpet player?  
A: There are skid marks before the snake.

Q: What do trumpet players use as birth control?  
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do you call a trumpet section that never challenges?  
A: Nonexistant.

Q: How do you get a trumpet to play fff ?  
A: Write mf on his part.

Q: Did you hear about the planeload of trumpets en route to Europe?  
A: The good news is: it crashed. The bad news: There were four empty seats.

Q: What's the difference between a French horn and a '57 Chevy?  
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?  
A: Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.

Q: How is a French horn different from a sewer rat?  
A: Some people like sewer rats.

Q: How many French horns does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Just one, but he'll spend an hour checking for leaks.

- Q: What do you call a mellophone player on the street?  
A: A beggar.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?  
A: Someone who knows how to play mellophone and doesn't.

Q: What's the dynamic range of low brass?  
A: Loud, louder, and asleep.

Q: How do you know your child will grow up to be a trombonist?  
A: On the playground, he doesn't know how to use the slide, and he cannot swing to save his life.

Q: How do you know a trombone player is at your door?  
A: The knocking slows down.

Q: Why are trombonists the best lovers?  
A: Trumpets use three fingers, baritones sometimes use four, but a trombone can do it in seven positions.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Three. One to change it and two to make sexual innuendoes about it.

Q: What is the best description of a trombone?  
A: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

Q: What does pp mean to a trombone in a jazz piece?  
A: Time for an impromptu solo.

Q: What does pp mean to a trombone in a concert piece?  
A: It's a kind reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past five minutes.

Q: When is a trombone not a trombone?  
A: When it's a valve trombone.

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a baritone player's eye?  
A: Shine a light in his ear.

Q: What do you call a baritone with a cell phone?  
A: An optimist.

Q: Why were baritones invented?  
A: Someone thought their tuba should have a baby.

Q: How many baritone players does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: It doesn't matter. They all just complain about the dark until a trombone player changes the bulb.

- Q: What's the difference between a baritone and a puppy?  
A: Eventually, the puppy will stop whining and it's cute when it's whining.

Q: What's the range of a tuba?  
A: 20 yards if you have a good arm.

Q: A tuba and a trombone are sitting in a car. Who's driving?  
A: The policeman.

Q: A How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Doesn't matter. They'll just say "If I wanted to go that high, I'd be playing baritone."

A band director decided to fly his entire jazz band across the Atlantic to Europe for a band trip, since there were only 23 of them. The trumpet section is sitting together. The last chair says, "I'll throw a $100 bill out the window and make someone very happy."  
The third chair says, "I'll do better. I'll throw two $50 bills out the window and make two people very happy."  
The second chair tries to say something, but the first chair cuts him off and says, "I can do better than any of you. I'll throw five $20 bills out the window and make five people really happy."  
The director, who is sitting in front of them, turns around and says, "No. I can do better. I throw all four of you out the window and make twenty people really happy."

The trombone player took home his instrument. Hey, it could happen.

St. Peter is checking IDs at the Pearly Gates one day. A Texan walks up to him. Peter asks, "What did you do in your life?"  
The Texan answers, "I struck oil and made millions. But I left it all to my family so they won't have to work for at least three generations." Peter nods and lets him in. The second guy walks up.  
"And what did you do in your life?" Peter asks.  
"I made it big in the stock market. But I wasn't selfish and I left it all to charities," he says. Peter nods and lets him in. The third guy in line walks up.  
"And what did you do?"  
"Well," says the guy. "I only made five thousand dollars in my life."  
Peter looks at him and asks, "Was it a sousa or a contra?"

Johnny's mom asked him what he wanted to be. He said, "When I grow up, I wanna be a trumpet player!"  
She frowned and said, "Johnny, honey, you can't do both."

A trumpet player, a trombone player, and a French horn player are driving when they meet at an intersection and crash. All the cars are totaled. They all get out to survey the damage.  
The trumpet player slowly walks around the cars, shaking his head. He mutters, "Holy crap. I'm lucky to be alive."  
The horn scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. He looks at the trombone climbing out the window and says, "Man, we're lucky to be alive."  
After exchanging information, the horn player says, "Y'know, I think this is a sign. We should put aside our rivalry and make peace." The other nods.  
The trombone suggests, "Let's see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and pulls out a full bottle of Jack Daniels. He turns to the others and says, If this isn't another sign from God, I don't know what is. So let's toast to survival and our new found friendship!"  
The trumpet says, "You're right!" He grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle, he hands it to the horn player, who also sucks down a third. He hands it to the trombone player; he screws the cap back on and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

PERCUSSION 

Q: Why do bands have bassists?  
A: To translate for the drummers.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?  
A: It took him two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?  
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a snare to play an accelerando?  
A: Tell him to play a steady 4/4 at 120 bpm.

Q: How can you tell a drummer is at your door?  
A: The knocking just keeps getting faster and faster.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: One, but he'll go through 10 before he realizes you can't just shove them in.

Q: What should a snare drum be played with?  
A: A razor blade.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?  
A: You only have to enter the information once for the drum machine.

Q: Why is it a good thing for a percussionist to be drooling out both sides of his mouth?  
A: It means the stage is level.

Q: How does a percussionist's brain call die?  
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?  
A: The defendant.

Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?  
A: Put music in front of him.

Q: What do you call a kid with a set of drums?  
A: The poster child for birth control.

Q: What's the difference between the timpani player and the director?  
A: Usually 2 measures, but it can be as many as 8.

Drummers do have a brain…they all have to share it, though.

A percussionist, tired of all the percussionist jokes, decides to change his instrument. He decides on the accordion. So, he walks into the shop and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at your accordions." The owner directs him to them. The drummer comes back a few minutes later and says, "I want the big red one." The owner looks at him and frowns.  
"You're a percussionist, aren't you?" The percussionist is crestfallen.  
"How did you know?" he asks.  
The owner smiles and says, "The 'big red one' is the radiator."

One day Jimmy came home from school, very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! We were saying the alphabet today and I made it all the way through when everyone else messed up around 'P'!"  
His mother smiled and said, "That's because you're a percussionist, Jimmy."  
The next day, Jimmy came home from school, very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! We were counting to ten today and I made it all the way when everyone else messed up around seven!"  
His mother smiled and said, "That's because you're a percussionist, Jimmy."  
The day after that, Jimmy came home from school, very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! We measured ourselves and I was the tallest in the class! Is it also because I'm a percussionist?"  
His mother frowned and said, "No, Jimmy, it's because you're 28 and still in first grade."

A guy wanted to join band. He went up to the director and asked to play trombone. The director said, "Okay, but we'll have to remove ¼ of your brain." The guy said okay and went into surgery.  
When he was recovering, the surgeon came up to him and asked, "There was a slight problem with your surgery. Your chart was misread and we accidentally removed ¾ of your brain."  
The guy shrugged and said, "That's fine. Got any sticks?"

DIRECTOR, ETC. 

Q: What do you do with a baritone player who can't play?  
A: Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

Q: What do you do if he still can't play?  
A: Take one stick away, bring him up front, and call him a director.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?  
A: With a bull, the horns are in the front and the ass is in the back.

Q: What's the ideal weight for a conductor?  
A: 2.5 pounds, if you count the urn.

Q: A director and a trumpet player are both standing in the road in front of you. Which do you hit first? Why?  
A: The director. Business before pleasure.

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Probably one, but no one's watching.

Q: Why did the band bury their conductor 20 feet under?  
A: Because he really was a nice guy deep down.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?  
A: They get so little use.

Q: How are band directors like condoms?  
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.

A musician walked into a store in a rather shady part of town. He saw a stuffed rat. "How much does this cost?" he asked the man behind the counter.

"Well, it costs fifty dollars, but you can't return it." The musician shrugged.

"Okay." He handed over fifty dollars and walked out the shop, the stuffed rat tucked under his arm. He looked down and realized there were about twenty rats following him. He turned a corner—and they still followed! He threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the rats followed and drowned. The musician walked back into the store.  
"I said you can't return the rat!" the man behind the counter said. The musician laughed.  
"I don't want to return it. I just wanted to know if you have any stuffed directors here."

A band director bought a lamp at a garage sale. He took it home and rubbed it. A genie came out. "Oh, thank you for freeing me from this lamp!" the genie said, bowing. "Unfortunately, I am a rather weak genie, and I am only able to grant you one wish." The director nodded.  
"Alright," he said. He pulled out several maps and handed them to the genie. "You see these countries? That is the Middle East. I want peace in the Middle East." The genie looked uncomfortable.  
"I am most sorry, master, but I am too weak to do this. It is all rooted in religion, and these boys start fighting when they are so small. It will nearly be impossible. Maybe, master, you would like to make another wish?" The band director thought for a moment.  
"I want my band to play in tune for just one concert."  
The genie quickly asked, "Can I see those maps again?"

A musician called his band director to ask for some help with one of the band's pieces. A woman picks up the phone and, when asked where the director is, she says, "I'm sorry. He passed away this morning." The musician hangs up then calls again two minutes later. The woman again says, "I'm sorry, he died earlier today." The musician calls again 27 more times. Finally, the woman asks "Why are you calling so much? He's not going to come back!"  
"I know," the musician replies. "I just love hearing you say he's dead."

There were two people walking down a street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money, either.

- Q: How many band jokes are there?  
A: Only this one. All the rest are true.


	2. Color Guard

Ok, I was once in the Color Guard, did one winter, and one football season. I was the most buff guardie on the team, being as I marched baritone and trombone previously.

I had made up this song to the tune of "Irish Drinking Song" from Whose Line Is It Anyway?

This was supposed to be a joke for me and my buddy to sing for the girls. We were the only two guys in the group, and we got ragged on pretty bad for it…

Any ways, here we go.

I was one a Color Guard guy,

I loved to spin a flag.

But all the guys at school,

Thought that I was a fag.

Once I span my flag so fast,

I cut off my manhood,

Now I'm a Color Guard gal,

And I'm really good…

Oh hi, dee di,

Hi dee di,

Hi dee di, dee di…

Ok, lemme think now here.

Common things I heard from the guard.

Up, down, over-oops. Looks like you dropped you flag. Don't worry, we work those into the choreography, so, you're in! Congrats!

It's too bright outside. Can we go practice in the shade?

It's too hot outside, can we go cool off inside?

There's no breeze, can we take a water break?

Augh, we can't practice in this breeze, we'll never catch our flags right.

No, we can't practice yet, our choreographer hasn't come back with our routine.

I broke a nail. Sorry, girls, I can't practice today.

THINGS TOLD TO ME:

Saturn, remember, this is not the horn line, you need to smile!

Guard-Ten-Hut! Saturn! Wrong attention!

OK, lets practice our toss. 1-2-3-4 Down, out, ready, Up. . . and, Catch! Alright, that was great! Lets, wait, now whose? Saturn, would you care to explain _**WHY**_ your flag is in Lower Earth Orbit? And don't give me that, "I just came off the Baritone line" explanation again!

SATURN! Stop marching correctly! Everyone in the guard is supposed to be the same, and we are NOT the same if you march the right way!

More things I heard from the Guard:

Me and the drum Captain are finished, and I mean it!

Next day: Oh, he made up yesterday after practice, we're going to be together forever! (gag)

Alright girls, . . . and Saturn, that was great. Let's go take a break and watch the Drumline! Saturn, you can practice keeping your tosses out of the way of aircraft.

Carrying water up to the field: Gosh, these coolers are heavy. Saturn could you help me carry this? Oh, I forgot something back in the band room, you think you could carry this by yourself? Thanks!

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I wouldn't be writing on here.

Things I wish I had said:

I don't know why anyone has to watch soap operas. All they need to do is listen to you hens!

Good greif, after listening to you all, it almost makes me want to swing for the other team!

Things I did say:

When this season is over, I'm bending my flag and hanging it up!

Woah cap'n. that's a big piece o' wood rifle you got there in your hands. Does your boyfriend drum captain know about this? (There were some glares pointed my way)

What they say is a lie. Y'all DO sweat. (I got slapped that time)

Sheesh, when they said "No musical talent necessary, they really meant it!" This one I said from the safety of back field.

Alrighty, I think next update will be some of the stupid jokes I've heard in band. If you've got some jokes you think are worthy of being up here, then send them to me in an email, and I'll just make sure that they aren't too dirty, or not pointless.


	3. Director Jokes Etc

Things Directors have said:

Alright everyone, that was perfect. Do it again!

Alright, this is the last time! . . . Great guys, do it again!

Y'all, if you keep sounding like that, I'm going to come and burn down your house.

Flutes, get it right!

Trumpets, shut-up!

Drums! Slow it down!

Barimatones- FLATulence

Things a band director will never say:

Alright y'all, water break!

Guys, that was perfect, go take the rest of the afternoon off!

Wow drums, that was beautiful.

Trumpets, perfect!

Trumbones, be quiet!

Things a band director wants to say:

God! Why can't the flutes go jump off a cliff. (or insert preferred hated section, ie: trumpets)

My shotgun's in my office…

Q: How do you know when the Director is at your door?

A1: Invalid question because the director can never be more than 50m from his office.

A2: There's a tank on your lawn.

A3: He comes and makes you ring the doorbell for him.

A4: The doorbell rings and _he_ screeches.

Alright, this is a set of jokes I heard in band, and only band kids would tell them. So here goes.

Q: How do you get an elephant up a tree?

A: Tell it to stand on an acorn and wait.

Q: How do you get four elephants in a minivan?

A: Put two ion the front seats and two in the back seats.

Q: How do you get the elephant out of the tree?

A: Tell it to stand on an acorn and weight!

Q: How do you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?

A: Look for footprints in the butter.

H: How do you know if a giraffe's been in your fridge?

A: Dents in the ceiling.

Q: How do you know if four elephants are in your fridge?

A: The minivan's in your driveway.

Ok, now that I can't think of any other jokes, here's to those that sent some in!

Q. What's perfect pitch?

A. When you throw a clarinet into the toilet without hitting the rim

Q. What's the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?

A. You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline

Q. How do you kill a drummer?

A. Compliment him on his playing. He'll die of shock.

Q. How do you kill the director?

A. Take the batteries out of the metronome

Q. How do you kill a guard girl?

A. Tell her she's fat

Q. How many guard girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. No one knows. As soon as the lights go out they scream and run for the Drum

Major

Q. How can you tell which drummer has manners?

A. A drummer with manners...that's funny.

Alright y'all, that's all for now, I'll put up more ASAP…I just need to think of some. Or you can send them to me in a review or private message. Thanks for reading!


	4. The pipes

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?  
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?  
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?  
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?  
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?  
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?  
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?  
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?  
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?  
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?  
A. The GHB burns longer but the Northumbrian burns hotter

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?  
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?  
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?  
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?  
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?  
A. Add vibrato.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?  
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?   
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?  
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?  
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?  
A. Their personalities. 

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?  
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?  
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?  
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?  
A. Drool.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?  
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?  
A. Moving targets are harder to hit. 

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?   
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?  
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?  
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"  
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?  
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?  
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?  
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.


	5. Misc Musical

**Musical jokes**

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?  
A: A new age song.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?  
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?  
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

**Any last requests?**

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

**Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock**

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.

9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.

8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.

6. One word: polkas.

5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.

2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

**Glossary of music terms**

If anybody can understand ALL of these, let me know, and you'll get virtual cookies.

**Accent:** An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"

**Accidentals:** Wrong notes

**Ad Libitum:** A premiere.

**Aeolian** Scale: Used to determine a musician's worth. Invented by conductors, hence the name.

**Agitato:** A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.

**Agnus dei:** A famous female church composer.

**Allegro:** Leg fertilizer.

**Altered Chord:** A sonority that has been spayed.

**Atonality:** Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.

**Augmented fifth:** A 36-ounce bottle.

**Bar Line:** A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

**Beat:** What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

**Bravo:** Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.

**Breve:** The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.

**Broken consort:** When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

**Cadence:** When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

**Cadenza:** The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".

**Cantus firmus:** The part you get when you can only play four notes.

**Chansons de geste:** Dirty songs.

**Chord:** Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."

**Chromatic Scale:** An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

**Clausula:** Mrs. Santa.

**Coloratura Soprano:** A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

**Compound Meter:** A place to park your car that requires two dimes.

**Con Brio:** Done with scouring pads and washboards.

**Conductor:** A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

**Conductus:** The process of getting Vire into the cloister.

**Counterpoint:** A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.

**Countertenor:** A singing waiter.

**Crescendo:** A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

**Crotchet:** 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.

**Cut time:** When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

**Da capo al fine:** I like your hat!

**Detache:** An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.

**Di lasso:** Popular with Italian cowboys.

**Discord:** Not to be confused with Datcord.

**Drone:** The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.

**Ductia:** 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.

**Duration:** Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.

**Embouchre:** The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

**English horn:** A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.

**Espressivo:** Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.

**Estampie:** What they put on letters in Quebec

**Fermata:** A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

**Fermented fifth:** What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.

**Fine:** That was great!

**Flute:** A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.

**Garglefinklein:** A tiny recorder played by neums.

**Glissando:** The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

**Gregorian chant:** A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.

**Half Step:** The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

**Harmonic Minor:** A good music student.

**Harmony:** A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).

**Hemiola:** A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.

**Heroic Tenor:** A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.

**Hocket:** The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.

**Hurdy-gurdy:** A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.

**Interval:** How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.

**Intonation:** Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

**Isorhythm:** The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.

**Isorhythmic motet:** When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other half

**Lai:** What monks give up when they take their vows.

**Lamentoso:** With handkerchiefs.

**Lasso:** The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.

**Lauda:** The difference between shawms and krummhorns

**Longa:** The time between visits with Vire.

**Major Triad:** The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)

**Mean-Tone Temperament:** One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.

**Messiah:** An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.

**etronome:** A dwarf who lives in the city.

**Minim:** The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.

**Minnesinger:** A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.

**Modulation:** "Nothing is bad in modulation."

**Motet:** Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.

**Musica ficta:** When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.

**Neums:** Renaissance midgets

**Opus:** A penguin in Kansas.

**Orchestral suites:** Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.

**Ordo:** The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".

**Organistrum:** A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.

**Organum:** You may not participate in the Lai without one.

**Paralell organum:** Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.

**Pause:** A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).

**Pneumatic melisma:** A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

**Prolation:** Precautions taken before the Lai.

**Quaver:** Beginning viol class.

**Rackett:** Capped reeds class.

**Recitative:** A disease that Monteverdi had.

**Rhythmic drone:** The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.

**Ritornello:** An opera by Verdi. 

**Rota:** An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

**Rubato:** Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.

**Sancta:** Clausula's husband.

**Score:** A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.

**Sine proprietate:** Cussing in church.

**Solesme:** The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.

**Stops:** Something Bach did not have on his organ.

**Supertonic:** Schweppes.

**Tempo:** This is where a headache begins.

**Tempus imperfectum:** Vire had to leave early.

**Tempus perfectum:** A good time was had by all.

**Tone Cluster:** A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.

**Transposition:** An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.

**Trill:** The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

**Trope:** A malevolent Neum.

**Trotto:** An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

**Tutti:** A lot of sackbuts.

**Vibrato:** The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

**Vibrato:** Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

**Virelai:** A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.

**Virtuoso:** A musician with very high morals.

**How to buy a stereo**

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.

2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.

3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.

4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)

5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)

6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.

7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.

8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.

9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.

10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.

11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.

12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better. 

This would be me… I can't believe they forgot about having the basic input your computer, so that you can buy custom software to add effects, and to control which parts you want to bring out.


	6. Strings Anyone?

**Orchestra jokes**

Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?  
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?  
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Seven. Indignant nose upturning Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?  
A: They've had little use.

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

**Playing music**

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.

However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.

However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.

The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.

Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.

One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.

Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

Good God, who comes up with this stuff?

**Efficiency**

From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants  
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra  
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.

2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.

3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.

4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.

Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.


	7. Upright or Open?

**Piano jokes**

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?  
A: A flat minor.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?  
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?  
A: Be flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?  
A: See flat major.

Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?  
A: C sharp or B flat.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?  
A: A sharp major.

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?  
A: A natural major.

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?  
A: Root position cords.

**A note left for a pianist from his wife**

Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Good grief…those were dumb…


	8. it's just too easy

**Vocal jokes**

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?  
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?  
A: Stage makeup.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?  
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.  
A: She was known as the deep C diva.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?  
A: The baritone.

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?  
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?  
A: When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?  
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.  
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?  
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?  
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: None. They can't get up that high.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

**This must be heaven**

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

**A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line**

The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.

1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.

2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.

4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.

5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.

6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.

7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.

9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.

11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.

12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".

13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.

Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!

**The amazing conductor**

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"

The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"

**Arriving at Heaven**

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"

The soprano answers, "Three."

"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.

Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth."

"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified.

"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."

**Operas that never made it**

**Britten:** A Midsummer Nightmare.  
**Mozart:** The Magic Tuba.  
**Puccini:** La Bamba.  
**Rossini:** The Plumber of Seville.  
**Verdi:** Rigatoni. 


End file.
